Face the Fear
Hi lovely readers,
Today I want to share my thoughts on ‘facing the fear’. I’ve managed to move through life without having to face anything too terrifying. Yes, there have been the wee milestones that the majority of people go through. The first day at school, the first exam, the first friendship fallout, the first time you catch a spider to put outside, the first time you meet someone who gives you butterflies, the first time you apply and go for a job, the first time you travel, you get the picture. Whether these firsts are surrounded by fear or not, we learn and grow from them all.
Throughout my life I’ve felt fear but never appreciated it and what the experience has taught me. I categorised it as something to overcome, a thing that was a weakness not a strength. I was taught to not let fear stand in your way, to be strong and not show weakness. And fear was a weakness. As good as these teachings were, there are other ways to look at fear and what it can do for us.
I recently did an indoor skydive. When I first gave this a go on my 30th birthday the fear I felt was overshadowed by excitement. This time however, there was a lot more fear. Maybe being older is a thing or perhaps I was more aware of it increasing as the fly came closer because of what I have learnt about it and how I handle it over the years.
We booked with iFly at the Trafford Centre in Manchester. When I went on my 30th I had usable sight in my left eye and my right eye was artificial. It was about two years after losing this eye that I turned 30 and I wanted to push myself and not let my new loss or fear stand in the way. It was an amazing experience! I remember the blue boiler suits, the helmets that felt like race car driving helmets and the huge tunnel you fly in. I remember thinking it was like the people watching you fly were watching a goldfish. It was exhilarating and scary.
This time around it was less of an exhilarating fear and more of a pure fear. I was worried about what to do, how do I communicate and how do I fly if I can’t see? The usual questions that come up when I do something new or for the first time again since losing my sight completely were on my mind all week. These questions get scarier the older I get, and I couldn’t let them be an issue as I wanted to set an example for Dylan who was flying for the first time.
When we arrived, I had a giggle with the check in staff as they weighed me. Saying, “Good job I can’t see the scales!” I was trying to make others comfortable whilst distracting myself from the fear. When we got the boiler suits, helmets and goggles, I asked if they were the same as when I flew for my 30th. They were the same which I was pleased about as I could visualise them. People around us began to get quiet, including Dylan. After discussing with the instructor how we’d communicate and how I needed to lie I felt better. Showing that for me preparation reduces fear.
However, he then handed me ear plugs. I’d forgotten about them! I put them in trying not to show how worried I was as Dylan was really getting nervous now. When I had them in and was guided into the room all I could feel was the humming of the wind. I had no sight or sound! It was scary! This is where my breath practice came in as it really helped calm my nervous system and I was able to rationalise. At this point it was so hard to support Dylan too as I couldn’t hear and couldn’t see him. I kept touching his leg to show support and make sure he wasn’t freaking out.. As we were the last in the room I was the first in the tunnel, I didn’t expect that! I was kind of glad of it though as I didn’t have time to think about it for long. I took a leap of faith and fell onto the air stream; it was a very surreal experience. With no sight this time and because I couldn’t hear anything, I felt totally alone. don’t remember much of the first flight except a loud voice in my head saying, “What the hell are you doing Nina, get out of this situation fast!”
When I came out, I was relieved but eager for the second flight. I didn’t want Dylan to see me freak out so I was guided to the back of the line. I sat there wishing I could see. There are not many moments now that this happens, but in that moment, I wished I could. I felt this because I wanted to be able to communicate to check all was ok with Dylan. I really felt excluded. We did try communicating by writing on the back of my hand which worked a little. I guess there is always a way around something.
The second flight was less scary. I went in determined to enjoy it. I relaxed into the flight this time, really feeling in my body, thinking how I was positioned, how I was breathing and where the man was supporting me. I was aware more of his presence too this time round because I was panicking less inside. He let go of me twice during this flight, which was exhilarating again until that fear crept in, and I realised I didn’t know which way I was facing or where he was to grab me. I had an internal conversation with myself in that tunnel. I was alone and realised it was only me that could control how I was feeling in that moment. So, the second time he let me go I relaxed into it and enjoyed it. I had to trust in the instructor and mostly in myself.
I have learnt that the fear we face in these situations is to keep us safe, but it is also there to push us. Once you understand it and why it is there you can reason with it and with yourself. The questions then become how much do I want to do this thing and how important is it if I don’t do it? How will I feel after and can I safely get through this?
I have faced so many situations since losing my sight completely that have raised questions about fear. The more I face them, the clearer the answers become and I’m thankful at times for my sight loss. It has given me more insight than I think I would have not had without it. Yes, there are more things now that create fear in my life even down to the simple things such as cooking, but the more I face it and develop my learning around it the more I can do. There are also times when we face fear and can’t get beyond it, and this is okay too. I reassured Dylan that he had tried and that is the main thing, be proud of yourself.
You can see the video of me doing my skydive on my socials on Instagram: @blind_but_sound or X: @Blind_but_sound.
The thoughts in this blog are my own and I don’t claim to have all the answers. They are just the musings of a blind woman who hopes it helps one person.
If you have any thoughts or want to share a story of your own, please do get in touch either through my socials or email.
Sending love
Nina xx